The Anger of Unkindness

                                                       

                                             THE ANGER OF UNKINDNESS

                                 WHEN THOSE NEAREST ARE YOUR TARGETS
INDEX:
- INTRODUCTION
- LIKELY SYMPTOMS
- POSSIBLE REASONS
- 3 NOTES OF EMPHASIS
 - CONCLUSION

INTRODUCTION 

The anger referred to here is common in family settings especially between husband and wife, parents and children, children and children but can be seen in any human interaction. Where gentleness, patience and love should be shown, instead; harshness, anger, intolerance, sarcasm/mocking criticism, physical abuse… If these are going on you are in a most serious and damaging situation. Because of the vulnerability within family relations, especially for the women and children, serious and possible permanent damage to individual’s emotional and mental make up can happen, consequentially showing itself in behavioral problems, functional inabilities, and emotional instability etc… Furthermore, the devil has a heyday of opportunities to use you  to hurt and damage the people that God has given you to serve and love, and you will be fully responsible.

SOME LIKELY SYMPTOMS: 
      - Often yelling at your spouse/children,  or little or no communication 

      - Handling them roughly or speaking harshly

      - Inability to show due affection

      - Unkindly critical or mocking

      - Intolerant and impatient

IS THIS YOU??? BE ASSURED THAT IF THIS IS YOU, REGARDLESS OF YOUR REASONS, ESPECIALLY WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED, YOU MUST RECTIFY YOUR BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY!

 ACTION STEPS: TACKLING THE ROOTS
POSSIBLE/LIKELY REASONS (NOT TO BE USED AS EXCUSES):

BITTERNESS, RESENTMENTS, REGRETS 

Stress and fatigue or other physical problems

Learned and undisciplined behavior

Past traumatic experiences, ie childhood abuse, military vet…

Addictions

Ulterior motives

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them…Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Colossians 3:19,21.

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God, and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God. He that loves not knows not God, for God is Love.” 1 John 4:7-8.

NOTE: Again, not all conflicts or problems are our fault; however, if you are the husband and father, you must be the first to take the responsibility to rectify problems, and bare the responsibility. I will say it this way, you must be the first to lay down your life for your family. Jesus is our example Ephesians 5:25. Furthermore, how we deal with our attitudes, responses, and behaviors is where we are fully responsible. Too often, trying to gloss over an offense, hurt, frustration, annoyance, just sets it up for a much more volatile situation further on. We must carefully and prayerfully deal with each problem until things and relations are stabilized. Realize, there is a lot at risk!

ACTION STEP # 1 – Recognize and acknowledge there is a problem if your behavior is like this.

2 - Run to the Lord and repent immediately of all misbehavior and attitudes. Without compromise or excuses deal will all your wrong behavior!
3 - Examine with and open heart where the root problem lies and find the solution.
When some of the apparent fault is from the other party, we have at least 2 options;
A - Confront them according to Matthew 18:15-17
B - If there is a refusal to change, you must find a peaceable alternate solution
without further jeopardizing the relationship by trying to make them change. Our part
is to repent, forgive, walk in humility and love, prayer and faith. God does the changing – in all of us.
4 - OWN IT! Humble yourself to those you have been hurting and ask for their forgiveness, reassure your intentions to change, but do not make promises that you cannot absolutely guarantee. Broken trust is hard to regain, and liars cannot be trusted. The first person to look at should always be ourselves whether we feel we are guilty or not, we have the responsibility to manage our behavior and action. If we feel hurt, offended, let down in a relationship, we should examine our role and not be quick to justify our self. Often, when people hurt us (I am referring here to inter-adult relationships, not adult to children), we may have played a role in offending them somehow and yet may be oblivious to it. Their treatment of us may be a reaction and not just a nasty expression. Humble yourself, examine, and ask questions. You may be surprised. 

GO AFTER THE ROOT!!!! ( Many of these are covered in more detail latter on in the Biblical Anger Management  course)

Stress and fatigue: You may have good reason to have stress and fatigue issues,
but not at the expense of those in your care. Get you life under control!
Matthew 11:28-30  

Health: Do something to help your health! Stop making others pay.

HURTS -
1- WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP - Hurts will happen in relationships, but God wants us to work them out as best as we can and quickly. A huge part of broken relationships are hurts and unresolved offences. Vicious and malicious dialogue and behavior  are very likely to be the fruit that follows. These are the by products of concealed anger and resentment. Honest and careful communication is so important. Still we must forgive unconditionally just as He forgave us. That means we are to completely cancel their debt as the Lord completely cancelled ours. Matthew 6:12,14-15. As long as we hold their debt we ourselves will be plagued and tormented by it. Next we are to love them unconditionally just as God loves us (in spite of ways). This means that we are to accept them for who they are. This does not, however, mean that we accept harmful or sinful behavior. Truth and love may require a straight forward confrontation as Jesus described in Matthew 18:15-17. Make every effort to reconcile, find peaceable solutions, and a place of agreement. “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”Amos 3:3 If the situation is not resolved the resentment will fester waiting until a further and even greater hurtful occurrence takes place. Or, the relationship may become so stifled and closed that love and kindness is metered out in small or limited quantities similar to  perhaps a business relationship = great for family health!?

“All things are possible with God.” God can heal the situation and the hurts if
someone has the humility, faith, and patience. Hurts are often a result of selfishness and or carelessness. If this is you...deal with it! If it is them, confront them in humility. If both, humble yourself and change your ways, confront them on their ways, but patiently leave their changing up to them and God. Do not try and change them yourself, but be diligent to work on your behavior. 

BITTERNESS, RESENTMENT, AND REGRETS. Some of the conflicts arise because a relationship or even our own personal life did not turn out the way we expected. We can feel cheated, let down, or even deceived. This can be a huge snare! Following can be a lifestyle of  bitterness, resentments, accusations, suspicions,....hate (generalized and or specific), The conclusions we draw will determine the outcome of our behavior and our reactions will be taken out on those who are closest to us, especially on those in our care. No matter how hard we try to do what is right to the other(s) our heart will still be releasing daggers of some kind if we feel deep down that we are cheated, let down, or deceived in any way. The reactions or solutions to cope with our perceived situation may have negative effects on the people involved with us. Because I am referring to a marriage situation I will be more frank. There are  three routes people typically chose:

1- Reconciliation 2 - A Closed Relationship, 3 - Divorce. Because I do not promote divorce, and neither does Jesus Who is our Authority, Let us quickly look at RECONCILIATION - Reconciliation is obviously not the easy route, but unless there is violence and serious abuse, it is the proper route. The rewards of faith and obedience are immeasurable and timeless . Again, if there is a possibility of harm or damage to others, especially children, their safety is the priority.

RECONCILIATION - YOU ARE THE ANGRY PARTY, BUT YOU ARE THE OFFENDED PARTY. WHAT TO DO -

1 - DETERMINE EXACTLY WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?   Is your anger justified from the Biblical point of view, and on what grounds? Jesus said that, “… whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.” Matthew 5:22 Even if the reason for our anger is justified, hurting others is not.

2 – DISARM YOURSELF – When dealing with anger, we cannot allow ourselves the assumed right to attack verbally or physically, nor allow ourselves petty behaviors, revenge, nasty comments… Hurts, further distrust, and conflict are sure to follow and intensify the conflict. Furthermore, by disarming ourselves, the deeper issues within us are much easier to identify.

3 – EXAMINE YOUR COMPLAINT VS YOUR GOD GIVEN RESPONSIBILITIES – How much are you to blame? Was it your choice? Did you make a commitment? What were your terms, and how much was assumed? What does God require of you in this? “Who shall abide in Your Tabernacle? Who shall dwell in Your Holy Hill…He that swears to his own hurt, and changes not…” Psalm 15: 1,4.  We must live with the decisions we make, and let Jesus be "our Shield and Exceeding great reward" as He rightly should be.

Indeed there are times when things and people did not turn out the way we expected, but then what and who does, including ourselves? "Above all, love one another deeply,  because Love covers a multitude of sin." 1 Peter 4:8

4 - REQUIREMENTS OF RECONCILIATION - 

RESOLVE - Determination and commitment 

REPENTANCE - Turn from any and all guilty and wrong behavior

FORGIVENESS = CANCEL DEBTS OR ASSUMED DEBTS - Wipe everyone's slate clean and start fresh, including yourself

ACCEPTANCE - Receive everyone and your situation as is and work with it in the sight of God.

LOVE - Love is the bond of unity and the dwelling of God. And in Him all things are possible.

IF YOUR BEHAVIOR STEMS FROM YOUR PAST - Ideally, no one, especially our children should pay for our past, regardless how bad it was. If your behavior is a  result of  past experiences and wounds wherein you have adapted certain cooping mechanisms and behaviors, they must be arrested if they are the reason you are hurting others. Sorry, but God gives us not only the grace to be healed and forgiven, but also grace for changing. Do not excuse or justify your attitudes and behavior while others are paying for them.

Disappointments in life: This will lead to discontentment with people and situations. Following will be impatient, resentful, or even spiteful behavior. Disappointments in life must be brought to the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. When Jesus is Lord and God of our life then He becomes truly all we really need, want, and desire. Then our hearts and minds are guarded and we can fully focus on those precious souls entrusted to our care. Matthew 6:19-21, John 6:35, Philippians 3:7-12, 1 Peter 1:8. He then shows us where we may have really failed and what to do about it, if anything. Accept the responsibility of your current situations, and serve as unto t he Lord with love, thankfulness, and gladness.


-Disappointments in people. This can be a terrible snare. It may be about a spouse, a parent, a child, someone that should be special to us and have all our love and acceptance. Instead we are harsh, intolerant, critical, impatient and easily angered with them, withhold affection, respect, kindness = FAILING TO RECOGNIZE WHAT WE HAVE – “And when He was come near, He beheld the city, and wept over it saying, ‘If you had known, even you, at least in this day, the things which belong unto your peace! But now they are hid from your eyes…because you knew not the time of your visitation.’” Luke 19:40-42,44. Israel did not recognize their Messiah when He came because He did not size up to their expectations. Instead they railed on Him, rejected Him, betrayed Him, falsely accused Him, misjudged Him, and tried to destroy Him. Oh how we make the same mistake with the precious lives that God puts into our care! Oh how often we reject or despise the gifts and treasures that God sends to us because
we do not like the packaging and deem them a burden instead of a blessing!


Learned and Undisciplined behavior: Often our upbringing or lack thereof adds to our problems in our relationships. Nevertheless God enables us and expect us to walk in godly behavior. Excuses are unacceptable, and much less so if our behavior is hurting someone. We must repent of our excuses and take the responsibility to change, and we can. We must break all agreements with non-Christ-like behaviors by repenting of and renouncing them. When we walk in God’s Holy Spirit we put to death the works of the flesh. Romans 8:13


Past Traumatic Experiences: Because of some serious traumatic experiences
some people have undergone as in rapes, anger and unpredictable outbursts of
rage, unreasonable behavior….can bring serious turmoil in a relationship. If this
is you, you must attend to this. Again the Lord does miraculous healing
of spirit, soul, and body, so run to Him immediately for healing. Take the necessary
steps. This is covered in the section on Hurts. But do something right away! There are also people that God had equipped to help. Do not waste time.


Addictions: This is your responsibility. There is all the help and deliverance available, but it must initiate with you. The Lord says in Scripture, “Whoredom, wine, and new wine take away the heart.” Hosea 4:11 We deceive ourselves when our actions say one thing, but our minds and hearts say another. “I love my wife and children, and I would die for them.”, yet because of our addictions we are hurting or even destroying them (hate does the same thing). Flee from these evil vices!


Ulterior Motives and wrong perspectives: “He that loves pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips the king shall be his friend.” Proverbs 22:11. In this scripture the Lord is showing us that when our hearts are pure our speech is gracious. Therefore when we notice that we are speaking harshly or with unkindness especially when unprovoked, that is a warning sign that something is wrong within us. Time to examine yourself! Our pursuits if out of order can harm or destroy something far, far, more valuable. Need to have an examination in the Light of the Lord!


Hate: Unkindness, harshness, intolerance, cruelty … are likely indications of hate.
When dealing with people close to us the expression ‘Lack of love’ may be a
serious understatement. Pride and self-righteousness will keep us from seeing it
and exposing it for what it is, and seeing ourselves for what we are really are doing. The old saying ‘Actions speak louder than words” may be more applicable.
This is extremely serious! You need to face the truth about yourself and get right with God!


“He that loves his brother abides in the light, and there is none occasion of
stumbling in him. But he that hates his brother is in darkness, and walks in
darkness, and knows not where he goes, because that darkness has blinded his eyes.1 John 2:10-11”…Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34


When we do not see the fruit of the Holy Spirit; love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, patience, faith, meekness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) flowing out in our behavior we need to recognize that repentance is needed and we are likely blind in this area. “Turn at My reproof: behold I will pour out My Spirit unto you, I will make known My words unto you.” Proverbs 1:23


NOTE – It is when we repent in faith and obedience toward God, submit fully to His will, then can we actually understand what He has been trying to say, see what we are missing and recognize what we actually have from His hand.
We must judge ourselves severely in these areas, lest before we wake up permanent damage is done to those precious lives around us.


NOTE – Relationships are complex and so are the problems that can arise within them. Issues that have developed over periods of time especially that have roots buried in a lifelong history of behavioral habits or upbringing are not likely simply ratified. NEVERTHELESS! GOD EXPECTS US TO REPENT AND STRIVE TOWARD HEALTHY GODLY BEHAVIOR AND RELATIONSHIPS and has provided everything that we need to accomplish this. “Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus Christ our Lord. According as his divine power has given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him Who has called us to glory and virtue: whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these you might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.” 2 Peter 1:2-4


STOP - CONSIDER/EXAMINE STERNLY – DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION NOW!!!


NOTE!!! Sin: Whatever God calls sin, evil, wickedness, unrighteousness - hurts and destroys. It always leads to death and damage is in its wake. This is no game and we are all susceptible to it. Every time we encounter the temptation to disobey God’s Word we must turn to Him from it with all our heart! One aspect about sin that we must be alerted about is that it is deceitful and hardens our hearts. The evidence is that we cannot see the hurt and harm we are causing to others and ourselves, nor may we even care, at least not enough to do something about it.

“And unto man He said, ‘the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding. Job 28:28

“The fear of the Lord is to hate evil: pride, and arrogance, and the evil way, and the forward/perverted mouth do I hate. Proverbs 8:13

“But exhort one another daily, while it is called today lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13.


CONCLUSION: If the Anger of Unkindness is at work in your life, with all your heart take the steps to rectify and change your behavior WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE TIME!